Could buddhism be wrong about…

The extent to which we should “feel” independant? Is loneliness not a natural human condition? Are we meant to live so coldly in the present? What warmth is there in simple independant functionality? Is it not in our nature to have “warm” feelings being exchanged between each other? To have a sense of being? Is this perhaps only possible for some and not for others, who ay a young age had too much heart wrenching abuse and abandonment?

Affection. Affection. Affection.

Skin. Smile. Eyes. Sex. Embrace. This is against our comfort? This warmth is not aloud to mend with safety? This is the only safety I understand. Sure, I know my body’s safe. My mind… My feelings… These I am insecure about. Always for the same reason. Love me and I will love you. But don’t unlove me, or love someone else more. This is the request that has been dictating my life, personally.

Any thoughts or comments?


message to people who support me in my struggle to support myself

This is a message I have no clue if I should send. Too afraid to. Oh well. Posting it here. This is a message to him, to future “he”s if there will be future hes replacing him. (i would rather not)(but it could be)

This is a message to brave brave men who stick by this terrified young woman. To the human beings who support me in my trying to support myself.

I still don’t know if I’m almost lucid or over-lucid. We’ll see. Here goes: 


Such a tough day. Dealt with it like a big girl. It made me cry anyway. Separating myself from the world, still confused about the extent to which it makes sense to feel safe. You are never safe, only in present moments when you’re literally safe. Buddhism/living in the moment seem to expect me to expect nothing and create my own emotional interpretations based on concrete reality. Which is supposed to be comforting. It makes me sad still. My mental mind is not seeing enough safety in this for my emotions to follow. Traumatic events from my past seem to be the drive. How can I come to peace with this. I’ll try what I can to heal my mind and feelings in a direction that will allow me to live. (and of course let live) I am going to be patient about it. I am thankful to have a person like you around if only for whatever time it will be. I need to be calm to learn. I need to relate to learn. I am in a place of fear. Constantly overwhelmed. I aim not to be in this place. I can cry I can panic, this hurts my ability to rationalize. I would much rather learn not to put myself in a place like that to begin with. This life is going to have to make sense to me in order for me to make sense of it. Is that too much to ask, you think? You don’t need to reply. I’m not in a place of being able to converse. I thought I’d send you this, because sometimes I’m high, sometimes I’m this, sometimes I’m that. This is my life. This is how I think. Maybe you already knew all these things about me, maybe you didn’t. I don’t aim to be happy, I don’t even specifically aim for love. Or maybe I do, and I’m not aware enough of it yet. (Over aware actually) – i seek the ability to stay alive. You do too. We would all rather not suffer. I will have to teach myself. I will have to move out and stand strong no matter how many times I get fired or… “Dumped”. I will have to learn to be okay with myself no matter what direction I take. I will do my best. I will try and be patient. I will try not to burn my mind in a way that it can not keep learning. It’s nice that on weekends, my mind gets to open up again. Sure, I allow myself to feel good around you. But only for the weekend. The rest is my job… I will try my best to stay alive. I will do my best. I embrace the potential idea of maturing. Time is not being kind to me. Not enough time it seems to take the time to learn these things. I will be patient. I must be patient. I must allow myself to cry, not panic. Trust that answers are going to come. Some day.


Why I Would Rather Try To Find The Funny Than The Meaning Of Life

This article cheered me up. What it represents to me is that though life doesn’t seem to make sense to some of us who have looked too far for answers to our questions and hurt ourselves in the process, that maybe (maybe) we could find comfort in feeling understood amung ourselves (each other). An exception to alienation? A potential way to relate to people, or am I taking that too far? I think the concept of humour applied to philosophy (and sociology) could be a beneficial research. However with all researches, I’m a little hesitant. I really do over think.

How about this. Let’s talk about it.

That’s what this blog is about – humans helping humans understand how to be human. (Oh the noble cause)

Peg-o-Leg's Ramblings

Sir Loin of Beef Sir Loin of Beef

Some look at life’s journey as a pitched battle, and some as a noble quest. Either way, a smart knight should be prepared for the dragons he or she is bound to encounter along the way. My weapon of choice is a feather duster.

It has only snowed once so far this weird winter.  I took advantage of the unlooked for boon of ice-free roads here in the country last week and went for a walk.  My mood was somber as I set off down the road, well bundled against the bracing cold.  I needed the lift that nature always gives me because I felt lower than I have felt in a long time.

I was thinking about my dear cousin, Moe. She’s experimenting with multiple chemo treatments, locked in mortal combat with the cancer that has spread despite her efforts. We recently learned that her…

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AD(H)D – open discussion (video)

We all know it was over diagnosed but we don’t all know that it was misunderstood. A “condition” indeed? It begs the question; What DO you do with an ADD brain?


Social Observations from the Outside (written by a social-hobo) Part 1 (comments?)

A Tuesday night.
Adventure time on Tv but little bro went to bed. Feeling scared and lonely as usual. (but shhh)
I don’t see what wallowing in the state of my personal life would have to do with why I have this blog.
It seems this is more of a blog about where I’m heading, who I chose to be, and where I chose to place my focus.
– – hello – –
Fear. Social anxiety. They’re still relevant. I don’t want to talk about my reasons tonight. How about I raise a question: 
how do you “friends”?
It seems to me lately that making friends, like all new situations I’ve been causing myself to experience, is a matter of facing fears – of being brave, experiencing discomfort, but understanding that this discomfort is not an active ingredient in my plan of action, and that, most importantly, that the discomfort will dicipate gradually with regular exposure & familiarity.
In other words, at best, I think maybe it’s healthiest for us to see (our) social anxiety as a temporary reaction to a new situation. So long as we patiently & continuously contribute to breaking the ice and – maintaining both genuinity & an ability to pre-approve ourselves before (or during) the time that we worry too much about exterior reactions. 
If you both 1.approve of yourself and 2.are yourself, you rely less on approval, but more importantly, the connections you make will make sense. In what way? In the way that you do what you can, no more, no less. (Fair expectations) And, that those who stay must be those who accept you. When this is not what you have, I hope the idea sounds tempting.
Random note: It isn’t because you can’t talk politics with kids that they can’t be awesome little things. 
Every new encounter is an entirely new situation – or is it?
(Aw. There you go. I can* talk without digging myself into the ground!)(Been wondering.)
I like to think that it’s both. There are ways in which one should see others as similar to themselves (likely more than originally expected if they haven’t thought of this yet) (#humanity) but also, and this is rather fun, as individuals with endless differences. (In stories, in personalities, and so on)
We’re all the same, we’re nothing alike. Okay.
Putting people in groups, or judging them based on factors noticeable during first encounters, works mostly (I think) in profiling the potential directions of conversation, and at building theories. 
Theories can be right on, or bad, depending, always depending. What I’m noticing is that judging a book by it’s cover is both unfair and a shame allot of the time.
It’s pretty surprising, actually. The more time you spend with the people that bore you, sometimes, the more they unbore you. – most people aren’t too bored at the start, but I’m a very intense person. Controlling my boredom requires a pause and this pause is something I demand from myself – I call it creating shades between black and white. And yes, the conclusion is, people can surprise you.
For one, take away the expectation for others to be as stimulating as you want them to be & do so in a way that is not condescending but comprehensive towards the struggles and imperfections of the frustrated willing. What you find is a creeping sense that the people you meet don’t owe you anything. That you are simply in the presence of another human being trying to stay alive (and find happiness/content/relief/security/fun etc etc.)
– Another thing – We don’t always have the benefit of being able to express all that we are in the time it takes for someone we just met to make a realistically fair assessment of the type of person we are.
And, the other way around;
Not everyone has the background to understand out references, tone, mannerism, what we mean by what we say or why we are who we are. 
(Not everyone gets our jokes, man)
For example, social taboos like tattoos and piercings scare off older generations. There may already be an “incompatibility” because of age and values, and that could almost justify stopping there, (?) but if both generations understood each other better, well, it may not necessarily mean that they would both agree with each other, and god knows people can’t always agree with each other, but maybe they would be able to discover that they were wrong for associating certain things to certain behaviours or mentalities.
(^ False judgements)
In a nutshell, I bravely propose that you can not judge a book by it’s cover, and in that, I pay attention to all new encounters.
Previously I would have come barging into this kind of statement throwing objections around about the utter pain that is conversing with uninteresting people.
Conversing with uninteresting people can (sometimes) be interesting for you (rather than not) if you make it that way – if you steer or if you take a leap and throw things around. Experiment, see how people react. 
I can steer conversations into interesting directions to a certain extent (for now) but, and this is personal and uncertain, most of the time, I prefer to tamper my personality in a way that will benefit the person I’m talking to at the end of the day. I’m a damn cashier for pete’s sake – my best shot at mother-teresa-ing is excellent small talk. (That won’t get me fired*)(They’re watching…)
– Not being boring? –
I think aside from the ways you express yourself, being interesting might come with acquiring interests and knowledge about those interests. 
The more you learn and enjoy, the more topics you touch, the more you have to offer in conversation, the more will be returned, and so on. Some people will pick your subjects up and you’ll find yourself walking through new paths with them, or others may simply be entertained by your ideas, that being all they can squeeze out. (“God bless you, dear!”) Others, less open, will retreat. Retreaters sometimes disapprove, but I think there are also the retreaters who are as insecure as you are – pondering a way to accept you in this weird way, or simply thinking to themselves that it’s okay that you’re weird because you’re another person. (Introverts with high regards for others, working around their environments not taking too much room with their individuality – because that would be “unpredictable and unreasonable!”)
The kind of person that I am has a tender appreciation for all humans with behaviours I can understand. It’s two things
1- empathy switch always turned on
2- Personal circumstance is everything / buddhism. 
I think there might be a little buddha in the back of my mind. Sitting comfortably on a chair, sorting out all these (ALL these) files flying/looping around at the unproductive lightening speed of ADHD into a set of prepped buddhism-mentality-folders. Smiling like a troll (metaphor getting carried away) 
Little memory munching bots running after all them files swooshing about, but they’re a little bit safer when placed in folders. Place thoughts in a system you can understand, what happens is habit. The problem with the way I think is that I create thoughts so quickly and so many (over active creation of new focuses) that I forget them. The strong emotional reactions I have to almost all kinds of thoughts makes it difficult to retain things. I don’t understand memory much, but with me personally, it’s hard not to remember anything unless it sticks out of the bunch on an emotional level.
This ADHD type of thinking is a pain. But hey. Apparently there are many ways in which I’m awesome because of it. (Consolation prize accepted)
Buddhism has some strong points to make about human relations.
Particularly on the subject of ignorance.
So much separates us and so much binds us. We were all brought up differently, damnit! That says allot on it’s own. How much of that are you? How much of that am I?
• • • Goodnight!