This is a message I have no clue if I should send. Too afraid to. Oh well. Posting it here. This is a message to him, to future “he”s if there will be future hes replacing him. (i would rather not)(but it could be)
This is a message to brave brave men who stick by this terrified young woman. To the human beings who support me in my trying to support myself.
I still don’t know if I’m almost lucid or over-lucid. We’ll see. Here goes:
Such a tough day. Dealt with it like a big girl. It made me cry anyway. Separating myself from the world, still confused about the extent to which it makes sense to feel safe. You are never safe, only in present moments when you’re literally safe. Buddhism/living in the moment seem to expect me to expect nothing and create my own emotional interpretations based on concrete reality. Which is supposed to be comforting. It makes me sad still. My mental mind is not seeing enough safety in this for my emotions to follow. Traumatic events from my past seem to be the drive. How can I come to peace with this. I’ll try what I can to heal my mind and feelings in a direction that will allow me to live. (and of course let live) I am going to be patient about it. I am thankful to have a person like you around if only for whatever time it will be. I need to be calm to learn. I need to relate to learn. I am in a place of fear. Constantly overwhelmed. I aim not to be in this place. I can cry I can panic, this hurts my ability to rationalize. I would much rather learn not to put myself in a place like that to begin with. This life is going to have to make sense to me in order for me to make sense of it. Is that too much to ask, you think? You don’t need to reply. I’m not in a place of being able to converse. I thought I’d send you this, because sometimes I’m high, sometimes I’m this, sometimes I’m that. This is my life. This is how I think. Maybe you already knew all these things about me, maybe you didn’t. I don’t aim to be happy, I don’t even specifically aim for love. Or maybe I do, and I’m not aware enough of it yet. (Over aware actually) – i seek the ability to stay alive. You do too. We would all rather not suffer. I will have to teach myself. I will have to move out and stand strong no matter how many times I get fired or… “Dumped”. I will have to learn to be okay with myself no matter what direction I take. I will do my best. I will try and be patient. I will try not to burn my mind in a way that it can not keep learning. It’s nice that on weekends, my mind gets to open up again. Sure, I allow myself to feel good around you. But only for the weekend. The rest is my job… I will try my best to stay alive. I will do my best. I embrace the potential idea of maturing. Time is not being kind to me. Not enough time it seems to take the time to learn these things. I will be patient. I must be patient. I must allow myself to cry, not panic. Trust that answers are going to come. Some day.