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Discovery / “listening”

During my last hang-out, someone asked me lots of questions in order to get to know me.

I did not ask him anything.

My mom tried to give me an example of how she gets restless night syndrome but I cut her with responces of my personal experiencing with legs that fall asleep up to the hip.

I don’t see Danny much, don’t ask him how he’s doing. Same goes for everyone.

I never ask how people are doing

I never hang out because they would like  to/benefit from it. It’s always rather because i would like to.

(No one asks to hang out with me much, either – people are busy, I am busy. Might show myself more generous if they asked more – yet they know not to ask because they know and i know that i cant be there for them)

I don’t get out of my way to help others.

Being in a difficult situation, however, begs the excuse “help me help you”. It is not black and white.

– 

I read articles very quickly, I’m not watching the TV show I put on.

I write, but don’t comment or like.

Post, don’t give back.

Why is that comsidered such an act of generosity to me? Because im more “comfortable” alone? 

I tried.

(You did? What happened?)

– it took up more of my time than id have liked

– i was being too perfectionist in writing (mostly trust myself communicating in person, in audio recordings or in video)

– i could not seem to manage my time

– i could not control the intensity of my writing

– it made me emotionally weary of public expression – i try too hard and don’t know when I should even be taking the time to try.

I can try to be slightly more active a wordpress comenter for a while.

It is a selfish motive. Sure part of me wants to understand reciprocity, but this is a touchy subject for me.

Reciprocity while driving yourself nuts is strange, difficult and almost impossible.

– 

‘Not fair’

Ask / receive may likely not be enough. (Karma?)

This is for the psychotherapy. My inability to be a ‘person’ for myself (and in the favor of others)(empathy exists here) is something that might be too complexe to adress tonight. Childhood issues.

– 

What are you doing now? What do you need to balance in a day?

– work training

– school books (a few actual pages/day)

– misc important

– writing

– research

– tv

– food

 

Habbit. Habbit is the glue, they say. She says. I said. How is habbit going to help?

Safety. Safety is how hanbit is going to help. Some habits are okay. If you don’t feel safe, you distrust the habit, with or without reason. Or you’re having (a) bad day where you need an escape.

Need?

Escaping… Habit?

/

Escaping habit is a bad habit. Which is a habit. 

> Habits win. 

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