Mood stabilizers in the form of sedative medications should only be used in addition to healing your own self.
If they are used in a context that goes against that, either actively or through inactivity (distance created me consumption) they cause you to distrust your own self.
Only medicate if you tryst yourself.
Bad controlled experience > Distrust in it’s effectiveness > distrust in ky decisions/self > Panic > difficulty concentrating
I feel sick with the idea of abandonment
I will be able to talk about this
Also, random note:
i seem to have fun learning (things that will benefit me in learning. Guitar, general knowledge, getting to “know” a TV show (not necesserily reruns) – entertainment is present in “new” things. It’s a degree of control I can attempt to use.
For every time I feel afraid, I learn a random fact. Automatic punishment.
A fact. Not a method of dealing woth life. A fact, medical, geographic, philosophy leaves too mich room for interpretation. Meditation is a practice, not a fact. You will not get an immediate* relief
Another example of feeling good from learning (could) in some moments be doing school work. But it doesn’t have to be.
(School work touches career choice. It’s a little risky. We’ll see…)
Every time I get scared I must thoroughly learn a fact that will both entertain me
(and others, by default***)
It will not fix anything but I might learn some new stuff.
If anything I’m a little afraid of making the association between feeling afraid and new information. I’m afraid there isn’t much fact for me to ‘rely’ my fear on, because my fear will cause me to fear anything I attribute to it, by consequence.
It might be best to simply observe and break down for now?
Fears for the future:
1- Notice. Breethe. Notice. Breethe. Notoce.
2- see it (you’re visual) – write it on paper or wrote about it on your phone
3- sort it out
4- it is sorted
Fears tackling the present:
1- breethe you are under control qhen you decide that you are. Find that decision. One tiny spark. One okay.
It’s okay to see that you feel like shit. It makes you less busy feeling like shit. Make yourself busy not feeling like shit if you addressed the situation, or face your fears right here right now.
Life may be undescribebly unsettling and sad.
But it is here and you are it.
Are you going to disapear? You may be tempted to rebell, that is panic and you are pushing it away because you’re afraid.
Your past affects you
You are affected by your past
You don’t understand yet how it’s not too serious
You will make it less and less of a prison as therapy happens. Gruadually.
Another random note:
Touching things at first burns or hurts. Again, the concept of
Mindfulness vs Habit
Info & trust
Another random note
I am too obsessive and perfectionist.
I can’t keep trying to make perfect choices. Keep watching that ted talk about choice. Too much choice is over baring to decision making.
Perfectionism is only fine if it empowers rather than weakens.
1- perfectionism empowers my (the pizza delivery guy)
2- perfectionism is harmful towards me when I use it
Sifference: he says “aw, that was so good” at the end of it. Sees the good parts, the progress. It motivates him to keep adding, the feeling of accomplishment seems to be addictive.
The feeling of accomplishment is only a good addiction if you allow yourself * to be motivated by your own actions.
I am writing as a handicapt. As a procrastination. It keeps me safe for the time I’m writing.
Yet, i can sleep, pee, eat and waych Ren & Stimpy on TV instead of stress out, and things will still get done.
Fear is a utility, not a law of life