Big Girls don’t cry

I did it! I had 2 productive, sober days. I re-directed my anxiety when it came my way. I haven’t had a panic attack in 2 days. I over-thought, but I saved myself from it! ~ I am not over-thinking anymore. Not right now. The fact that I am feeling cautiously hopeful yet scared right now and that and my subconscious picked “big girls don’t cry” (I didn’t pick it I promise you Tiffany) is in itself proof of the strength of subconscious associations.

In other words, if I bring my subconscious associations to the surface, experience them, and understand-them away rather than figtht them (accept them, breathe, accept reality) then my subconscious will finally find peace again. If you need proof of peace, all you need to look at is times in your past when you were able to live and function healthily. Normally. You were relying on one reassurance. Now you will learn to depend on a new kind of reassurance. It will just take safety re-assignment. Anxiety re-comprehension.

I could buy my addiction of choice. I was even invited to a very tempting gathering of the sorts yesterday and today. I refused! I stayed home. Had to work on myself.

It was nice being a bunny at school.

(bugs bunny hat) – and it was nice interrupting my anxiety twice with breathing exercises that actually work. The chest pain dicipates with proper breathing techniques. That alone is… a bloody miracle.

I cried a little tonight. It’s okay, opened old wounds. I also opened a door…

I wonder what it’ll be like, the next time I lose trust in this reality. I hope it will go better. I think I have tools to make sure that it does… we can’t always feel wonderful at every moment. But we can work our way out of negativity with replacements. Better thoughts. Breathing. Activities that relax the mind, like eating and pleasant conversation. Jokes. Humor. (a good laugh really does the disconnecting process – sometimes in one shot – just one good laugh does it)

Zones take time to build. But the zone is accessable at all times. It takes a few moments of gradual integration during which it is likely that the activity will be rejected.

I thought I was most certainly not going to go to school. I thought I wouldn’t have super. I thought I’d start taking the time to cry. I thought I had to put myself to bed early today. Yet right now, I feel mighty good. Doesn’t mean I’ll feel good all night or all week at all but it means something perhaps better than that – it means I have this capacity regardless. I have this capacity. It exists.

It’s on… the other side.

It’s on the other side.


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