This phase is not an excuse – it is an interuption – refocusing (Step 1 / a bunch*)

I am not creating an excuse by saying this but

I am taking the time to create the idea of confidence in me

I am applying it by going out to do what I have to do but I must also take the time to create a comfort zone in my mind so that when I am out there, I may remind myself of the reasons why I can calm down, concentrate, and stay true to my decisions.

This is an excuse 50/50
Because the buildup of anxiety is indeed real, and you must brace yourself, recollect yourself, a bit.

In order for this not to be an excuse however I will have to set a date for going back to Montreal and trying new things, things that used to scare me.

I will have to plan out facing each of my fears. I am begining by identifying and understanding them. This is absolutely necessery so that the actions I pose to reduce my fear don’t *make it worse.

It is crutially important for me to understand why I am stressed in order to explane to myself that it has no basis, and that the version of life I feared and was disinterested in my whole life is infact better than it looks. Because of possibilities. Because of feeding the addiction of accomplishment. If I am doing a job, it is good, because I won’t need to invest in life accomplishments beyond that. (or say that and school) – it gives me the opportunity to transfer this addiction into another action or activity of my choice, like learning songs and abilities on the guitar. Learning the techniques of drawing and practicing them in between, Learning to dance…

As for my attention problem, I would say that allot of new things are fought. I fight concentrating on new things. I am allot in my mind. I will have to learn to disconnect… By decision. Not by force. Aknowledging that I am not paying attention, diverting the attention back to the subject at hand. Just like I’m about to do RIGHT NOW BY ENDING THIS HERE, POSTING IT ON WORDPRESS, DOWNLOADING A BEAUTIFUL MIND FOR TOINIGHT AND DOING NOTHING MORE THAN THIS before I head to the bathroom and to my CHORE*** (my decision to do this chore). I have some clutter in the living room and though this is not the most urgent task I have, it is however something that, like many things, I would like to decide to take care of before the more urgent things, because of the clutter that I’ve produced generally in my life and how being aware of clutter will distract me from the tasks I have to do.

This is an excuse… I can invest a little every day, but like I said, it’s alright, because I decided that the first step to my rehabilitation is not an unnecessary one. It is re-learning to be alone with myself but in a more appropriate and beneficial way (activities + repeated anxiety diversion) and taking the time to understand the realities behind the mentalities I fabricated, which have been making my problems unclear. I must first list my fears, then understand the logic I placed in them, why, and understand the actual reality. Then I will be able to forgive myself for it theoretically, and plan to face it in experience, and actually do so, whilst applying the new constructive mentality, so that there be no more clashing, no more backfires, no more panicks. No more yes but I. No more I can’t. No more exceptionality. (or at least as little as I can manage to reduce it all to)


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