Obliviousness blues

I’m feeling upset because someone told me they didn’t think I sounded like a person who knew what she was talking about ever. It looked obvious to him and I misunderstood how this person thought of me. I don’t know if it’s the anti-depressants I haven’t taken in a week (I don’t think so) but I’m very very sad about this. My whole life I’ve identified to and cared very much about the value I believe that I have which is of an advanced common sense. Granted this is something that is circumstantial. But I don’t think I’m as dumb as this person seems to believe I am. This person is the type of person to be very snotty with knowledge – in the sense that, and this is something I’ve noticed in every smart person I met – being smug about being smart limits your self-doubt, which makes your accuracy, though generally high, imperfect.

I doubt myself a billion times in any given day. Not a single day passes when I don’t doubt my opinions, my values, my productivity, the accuracy of my beliefs, my appeal to myself and to others, my position in my life, and so on.

Why does he have to go and shit on me like that? If at least he felt bad about it. I appreciate when people are dicks because they want to provide you with honesty that would push you in a better direction for yourself. This is something that sometimes allows me to create and maintain bonds with extremely rude or obnoxious people. (Narcissists)

If I were as “obviously” oblivious as this person is honestly and effortlessly convinced I am, it would hurt me more than it should. I will repeat that both stupidity and intelligence depend on the levels of stupidity/intelligence that they would be compared to. (among… other things?) but I mean to put emphasis on something I’ve experienced my whole life: a sense of disgust towards stupidity. Or at least a natural reaction of disgust. In the last few years I’ve been able to understand that the upbringing of a person should not diminish their value, and that their logic and values should not be based on what can be seen or noticed, but on all the circumstances that compose their entire life, which can not be seen or noticed. It can be imagined. Especially if you get to know this person intimately and they share stories about their life with you enough that you get some sort of general picture. But it’s impossible to know exactly why every part of them behaves the way it does, why each of their thoughts have formed, or even when they were formed – because god knows some things we think we know, we just think we know because it’s where we left off on the topic, long ago. A recent and time-accurate conversation with one or many people would re-direct our opinions, in these circumstances.

I used to write using too many fancy words and expressions. Allot of us might have gone through this kind of a phase, when we felt a need to prove ourselves. I grew out of it when I realized that you didn’t necessarily need to sound like you know what you’re talking about to convince people. I realized that the people I wanted to convince of anything, ever, would be the type of people who simply want to read and understand a valid point, and that I should convey this point modestly without losing the precision I needed to get said point across.

Anyway. This post being half-emotionally driven, half-conversational, I’m going to end it on a personal note.

I’ve always hated stupidity but I try not to more and more as the days and years go by. I don’t want to be hated or made fun of or looked down upon for not knowing as much about something or other as the person I’m talking to. The idea terrifies me and I don’t want to live the rest of my life earning their respect. I aim to avoid the chin-up thing whenever I can train myself to settle down and think of others in an accepting and respectful way.

This person who made me feel sad also told me that I judged people wrongly. That though a person may seem stupid or like there’s something wrong with the aspirations they have for their life (or lack there of), that proper thinking or proper motivation could usually be dug up from within them if you try. He told me that people didn’t always know their potential but that everyone deserved a chance, and that it was by being convinced they could not do better or do what they want or be what they want that actually held them back. This is a great truth I’ve experienced and witnessed. That’s what I chose to end this post on.

(I’ll go watch something. I felt so sad just now that my protective numbness kicked in. The me who still isn’t finished crying about the situation has been disconnected from the internet connection that is my main experiencing. The “program” is still running in the background but the system that is mainly me right now is not acknowledging it. I will leave it that way and I look forward to sleeping. Cheers to tomorrow-ness, Goodnight guys.)


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