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Self-similar/Ambition

Almost ironic that Fractals are what I’m obsessed with. The other night I watched a documentary with my parents and boyfriend about the origins of life: (“First Life”). Here, have a picture of a trilobite fossil, complimentary of Google and probably irrelevant, but still pretty:

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Fractals –

“Self-similar”

is how they described this concept. I mumble when I try to explain it to others. – – My point is that – – Self-similar is what *I am. I take what I already have and apply it to my future, hoping it will branch out, being left with… layers and layers of my own reflection reflected uselessly back to me. I hope for more than I contribute toward. It’s when the fractal pattern was broken (or added to, rather) that living things became more interestingly interactive with their environments. I think. (AVAST A HEAD with a MOUTH AND ANUS, we are no longer blobs… something like this)

And now for a relevant quote: 

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” 

(^ Somehow supposedly recorded as being said by Albert Einstein at some point)(I don’t know)

And of course, this post is one of those… things I’ve been doing since I was 12. Ouch. Im serious though. This type of post, I’ve been writing for over a decade, again and again, to wake myself up.

This time around, it was my partner who woke me up a few days ago. He said, and this is true, that I had no ambitions. No actual ambitions. He looked almost astonished when he said it, in a way that showed he had been being astonished about it ever since he’d concluded it 100%.

D :

I did prove I can do better than I think I can with the project he helped me build, with as far as I took it. On the other end I would almost go as far as to say he built the whole thing for me. He was the spine and I was the… fucking, I don’t know. Chakras. (caugh caugh, I don’t believe in that sh*t, or at least I don’t think I do… please don’t be offended)(giggle giggle)

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I only say this because I was the personality and the art. I did the work he mapped out, according to the plan he made for what I wanted to achieve. Some would see this as controlling, others would see it as an opportunity. I guess I saw it for what it was: a controlled opportunity. Which in itself, is both on one side limiting and on the other side a selfless gift of enabling.

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(^lel)

“I don’t do well with schedules” = I will never do well with schedules
… This may not be textbook fractals, but I mean… Ok. Let’s call it a predictable cycle, to word it a little more commonly.

I think that’s why TRAVELLING (in Canada) has been so (temporarily) rewarding for me! WOW, look at me, leaving one place for another. And another. And another! Different people, different sceneries. Different lives, sorta. Same trap I face.

I proved to myself that DOING something different will CHANGE my future. (in fact, this is proven by neuroscience) I don’t know what I can say for my habbits… I didn’t change them in a my habits are what they are kind of way, the ADD/ADHD will definitely always dictate that difficulty level at the start of things. I did however change my habits regarding tasks and substantial things like that. I went from someone who couldn’t get ready on time, to someone who wasn’t ready on time AT HER WILL’S FAULT, not at the fault of my methods or forgetfulness. Focus doesn’t have to come naturally, it can be practised and (gradually?) placed into the areas in your life that you could use it the most.

Back to my own personal reason for writing this: I have no ambition.

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Well, I mean, true. I gave up on the EntirePerson project. Gave up on the EntirePeoples. (with an S) Gave up on… art? To transfer to music? Music is GREAT! But what will it bring me unless I were to go all the way and literally become a musician? Meanwhile… My little brother now looks up to (not to name the particular in question) GEEKY TARDED NO-LIFE’d socially OBLIVIOUS LOooooooosers who are doing a bazillion-billion times better shit with their lives than I am now. The difference being of course that they didn’t give up on a way to build something for their life that would bring something back to them in return. A foundation, an ambition. Money/independance.

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This depressing depressing (depressing) figure my brother looks up to (pardon me, it’s my pessimism, and I’m keeping it) is basically a Youtuber, with really cheap (CHEAP) songs made about him, and god knows, most likely, a shop for his fans to support his lifestyle… I’m not looking this guy up, okay. (*rubs space between eyes*) Just take my vague bullshit and place it in a box in your mind labelled “Doing better than Gabby”. (Mr.Awesome probably still lives with his mom.)

I want to zoom out of here. The point is I gave up. As usual my personal life became overwhelming and I gave up. This happened to me every school year of my life. I’d like to be a diagnosed Bipolar, to explain everything with, or to be medicated for, however I am not. And I don’t think it would work if I tried to get that diagnosis on paper. I’m an ADHD Borderline (BPD) with maybe a side-slab of SAD and or that new… soft PTSD shit they just came up with, so, basically, bordering on almost normal. (Fuck normality, let’s not rely on concepts as vague as normality!)

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((ALSO, insert “ish” next to every descriptive word above!!!))

I gave up. Life was too hard for me. No need to look away from the fact that I am predictable. It won’t help later on… And by later on, I mean as soon as I root myself in the next destination of my travelling adventures! For me, for both of us, I need ambitions, for I am ambition-less and all too uselessly self-aware.

Ambition sort of translates to money-making, unless you already have mountains of money to spare. Worse yet, it translates to career unless you want something you can only rely on for so long. Job, career….. m’m’m’MONEY being the point regardless.

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I tried pushing this reality away. And it works fine for as long s I’m travell-ing*. But there is no use in being a travell-er* at a stand-still, with NOT A SINGLE PENNY TO SPARE ON ANYTHING WORTH HIS OR HER TIME. At times I did what I could with this, but……….. (…)

Living in Halifax was… new! But the only part of it that I am proud of is this: I pushed the limits of my independance, contributed allot of time and energy to a project, watched it grow, met new people, online and in person.

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Were those people the kind of person I am? Were they like me enough to consider us compatible friends in the ways I used to hope for a long time ago? Not in any way, shape or form! Hell no. If you are reading this, and I know you in real life or even on the internet, chances are we aren’t very similar and you often bore me allot. But it’s totally okay. It turns out, I realise, that interests are not what compatibility is necessarily about. It’s about how you spend your time together, I think, as well. What do you do with your friends & how do you do it? (Tumblr: “like, nothing even… play with our phones n smoke weed I guess, Oh my gosh” to which I say – Even if it’s nothing, that’s something.)

I’m proud of my projects and the people I met. We occupied time together, which is especially rich when you’re also doing something constructive with your life in some other department or other. (Bringing us to…>) I’m also proud that I made ((some)) money off of my art and inspiring others. I also earned to play an instrument! In all of this, travelling can take a rest and give the stage to something more. The other part of this life-living-thing: what you do when you’re stuck in one place.

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(^my old deck)

Do you stay stuck? Do you plant the straw from your soylent-green-feeder-hat in your mouth every morning and slurp your life away like the obese future-people of WALL-E? Tucked in a government paid apartment some-sad-where? And I’m supposing the next logical step is somehow… reproduction? (chuckles)

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If that’s your life, I can’t help but feel stupid if I don’t throw out there that you’re probably doing it wrong.

I’m gonna have to de-derp myself from this toilet bowl.

In the next few/several days/weeks, I’ll be paying special attention to how I can either get back to what I was doing, or, make something else up, or, find a TYPICAL REAL-LIFE JOB and job-it-up. My partner will be making money working any 40 hour job he can get his hands on according to him. No more wasting his time on me so that I can quit on him like I did. 

That’s up to me now. 

(Thanks still, man-dude. I’m not giving up on shit completely. However vague that may still be.)

(( ^ for now ))

-Gabby

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